Friday, May 7, 2010

More Important Life Lessons

In a thrilling and (I believe) just piece of news, it has been announced that the American remake of Death At A Funeral will not be getting a theatrical release in Australia. Rejoice citizens, we have been saved from one of the most pointless movie remakes since Valentine’s Day tried to pretend it wasn’t Love Actually minus any charm, wit or heart. Now if we can somehow thwart the release of Wog Boy 2, we may yet save the human race from itself.

The British version of DAAF is so superbly funny, it remains absurd that Hollywood thought it needed re-doing at all. The fact that Martin Lawrence is still getting jobs after Big Momma’s House 2 is even more appalling. If the trailer of the latest version of DAAF is anything to go by, it seems it’s makers still have a lot to learn from the UK original. The Brits don’t always make great choices (especially when it comes to cricket team selection, and how to punish convicts), but their movies are worthy of study. Which got me to mulling…

The Things British Films have taught me

1. First and foremost, things are infinitely funnier when done with a British accent

2. Americans are also often funnier when employing a British accent (see Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’s Diary… but only the first one)

3. If you insist on gathering in a stately manor and surrounding yourself with snobbish, feuding relatives, someone will die (see Gosford Park)

4. If you insist on attending 4 weddings with your quirky, eclectic mix of friends, someone will die (see Four Weddings & A Funeral)

5. There is no setback life can throw at you that can’t be solved by dancing it out (see Billy Elliot)

6. If the above setback persists, try stripping (see The Full Monty)

7. Even the Spice Girls are fallible (see Spiceworld: The Movie)

8. If you are an old, venerated British actor and you haven’t been offered a role in the Harry Potter movies, you really should feel offended by now

9. Gwyneth Paltrow can be under-appreciated (see Sliding Doors)

10. Gwyneth Paltrow can be over-appreciated (see Shakespeare In Love)

11. Only the British could bring together Cher, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith and Benito Mussolini in the one movie (see Tea With Mussolini)

12. Women of all ages should be comfortable in their bodies (see Calendar Girls)

13. It’s true, school children really are much sluttier than they used to be (see the remake of St Trinian’s)

14. If you are standing beside Hugh Grant and he is dithering like a wet rag he is probably your soul mate, if he is leering, suggesting transparent clothing or in a fist fight in Colin Firth he is probably your biggest mistake (see Sense & Sensibility, Notting Hill, Four Weddings & A Funeral, Love Actually, Bridget Jones’s Diary, About A Boy, American Dreamz, etc)

15. Some people should stick to the small screen (see Ricky Gervais)

16. It is unwise to compare your age and achievements with the kids in the Harry Potter movies, you are better off reminding yourself that they are never going to escape the shadow of the franchise that spawned them (poor little typecast millionaires)

17. If you are standing beside Kate Winslet, step back, she's probably about to get nude. Good for her (see The Reader for most recent example, and lesson number 12)

18. There's nothing shameful about being a well dressed, brand savvy man, but it does help if you have a license to kill (see James Bond)

19. Of course the UK has more strong female film roles - they're wise enough to let women run the country (see Elizabeth, The Queen, The Young Victoria, Mrs Brown)

20. When the world is eventually overrun by zombies, and you must impersonate the undead in order not to get eaten, it's important nail their facial expression - "Vacant, with a hint of sadness, like a drunk who's lost a bet" (see Shaun of the Dead)

Painefull Out

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