It’s been a big week in politics, and under such circumstances it’s important to focus on the truly vital components of our ever lively national debate. And what could be more vital than our Prime Minister’s bold decision to announce the longest election campaign in the history of Australia while wearing glasses? Of course, I don’t have to tell you that the key word there is ‘glasses’.
If The Great Michelle Obama Haircut Inauguration of 2013 has taught us anything (aside from “Ask not what your fringe can do for you – ask what you can do for your fringe”) it’s accessorizing is the contribution women were born to make. It’s like how Twitter is the medium Shane Warne was born to speak through, and maniacal laughter was the sound Christopher Pyne was born to let out (it’s sad to watch him fight it, day after day).
But of course a pair of glasses can’t just be a pair of glasses, there has to be a vaster plot behind such a truly audacious manoeuvre. I know this because Julia Gillard is clearly smart (she wears glasses now you see) and crafty (because she’s a woman, and by ‘crafty’ I mean ‘manipulative’, and by ‘manipulative’ I mean… ‘female’).
After much research, and whole minutes of painstaking thought, I’ve managed to narrow down the conspiracy theories surrounding Spectacle-Gate to the most likely candidates.
Rose Tinted Glasses
You can’t tell from this side, but looking out through those glasses everything’s coming up roses for Julia. It’s all puppies frolicking through meadows and flowers made of fairy floss where she’s sitting. Look how she smiles now when Kevin Rudd walks past – that’s because she can’t see him (and there ain’t nothing he can do about that for the next 8 months). She’s the only one who won’t be suffering the next time Tony Abbott emerges from the surf in nothing but a modesty cloth – to her he’ll appear full clothed.
The theory goes that she attained this technology on a vision quest back in 1993 and she’s been moving forward ever since. The only other pair of these glasses in the world was given to Anthony Mundine, and no one knows why.
Ron Burgundy’s Glass Case of Emotion
This one’s really a Reverse Rose Tint – there’s some speculation the glasses are in fact aimed at hiding the wearers actual response to what’s going on around them. Apparently they were rushed into production mere days ago. According to packaging found at a top secret dump site (also the location of several well documented Yeti sightings) they’re specially suited for hiding the First Bloke-inducing winces that come when middle aged white men stumble into jokes that feature prostate exams and small Asian women.
Reportedly impenetrable, a small tag tucked behind the Prime Minister’s ear states ‘Only to be broken in cases of emergency or misogyny’. According to anonymous, but highly creditable sources on conspiracy site TheDogAteMyHomework.com, the Ron Burgundy specials were designed to withstand extreme rage and despair, having been purpose bought for when Oprah inevitably scores the Craig Thomson interview (“Welcome Craaaiiigg Thomsoooooooon! You’re getting a Health Services Union credit card, you’re getting a Health Services Union credit card, everyone’s getting a Health Services Union credit card!”).
There’s a failsafe button being held in a bunker at the Lodge – if there are any glitches it will simply render her mute. It’ll be like watching Andrew Murray lose the Australian open and wondering why he keeps mouthing the word ‘Duck!’
This is the most obvious and concerning theory. Julia Gillard has been taken over by alien life forms. Who owns one of the most famous pairs of glasses in the world? Clark Kent. What was he trying to hide? He was from another planet. Boom! I rest my case.
Need more? One off-shoot of the theory suggest the glasses themselves are the sentient being controlling our PM – why else would they have their own Twitter account?
Clearly this means an invasion is imminent. You know what they say about Extra-terrestrial life forms? Total queue jumpers.