Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Painefull New Year’s Eve

Welcome to 2014.  I’m 5 days late, but welcome anyway.  Let’s say welcome to the Real 2014.  The one that truly begins after the festive season ends, when work, and credit card payments, and sun stroke bring you back to reality.  Now that you’ve finally given in to your liver’s pleas for mercy, now that your oldest sister has finished dancing on the table, now that you’re torn between taking down the Christmas decorations and just re-branding them as The January Tree and The Year-Round Fairy Lights, I bid you a Happy New Year.

Scruffy is such a festive season hack - any excuse for a costume.  This is him wondering if his owner, my sister, hates him.

Was your New Year’s Eve disappointing?  A let-down?  63% of respondents say yes*.  Or they can’t remember, but the photos indicate they pashed someone who turned out to be a 3 instead of a 7.

My New Year’s celebrations were delightful, and I have decided the charitable thing to do is to share the secret to that success, the key to never being disappointed again.  Let me say, in advance, you’re welcome.

So, the math is simple.

Bottle of champagne + selected episode of Dawson’s Creek + the sound of fireworks occurring somewhere in the distance (apparently it’s a thing around Sydney Harbour?  I don’t know, I smell a fad) + leisure wear = A Very Special New Year’s Eve Tradition.

As is often the case with world-shattering discoveries (like the slinky, and Harrison Ford) I stumbled upon this equation by complete accident a few years ago.  It hasn’t let me down since.  How can you be disappointed when you know what’s going to happen (shock twist, Joey gets on the boat with Pacey)?  How can you feel let down when discovering ridiculously cheesy dialogue from your favourite high school show of yore (Jack’s Dad: Someone had to make the first move, Jack: I just didn’t think it would be you… Jack leans over and moves symbolic chess piece)?  How can you not WEEP every time Gran nurses Jen Lindley on her death bed (sorry, belated ‘spoiler alert’, but there’s a reason Michelle Williams is the Oscar nominee of the bunch)?

James Van Der Beek's stunning re-enactment of me weeping

Still not convinced that unlike NYE, Dawson & Co won't let you down?  I’ll let the evidence speak for itself…

- At no point will you curse the day your feet were born, and the crazy, over-sexed, hurtful and under-supportive shoes they get mixed up with
- You can watch Dawson’s ill-fated dalliance with the crazy, over-sexed, hurtful and under-supportive Eve, a character so shoe-horned into the story you can never quite remember why she’s there, other than to provide another non-obstacle to true love

- When you stumble to the bathroom you won’t accidentally interrupt a coke-binge featuring a notoriously unhygienic surface
- You get to watch the great ‘Say No To Drugs Kids’ episode where the strait-laced Andie pops her first and only pill, then promptly almost dies because there is absolutely no in between boys and girls

- You can avoid those deeply awkward interludes with random friendship outliers who you only see once a year, and whose name always escapes you
- You can watch everyone in Season 4 pretend that Pacey has always had an older sister called Gretchen who they’ve just failed to mention or see for 3 years

- There is no danger of being trapped in a corner in one of those epic drunken conversations that starts to feel like Waiting for Godot- meets the countless re-stating of the ultimate prize in a televised singing conversation (which is to say circular, unending and pointlessly repetitive)
- Every time Dawson and Joey have an earnest 3 minute conversation about being soul-mates, or Joey reassures Pacey that Dawson is her ‘past’ and Pacey is her ‘future’ (seriously, I counted 7 of those) you can just fast forward while topping up your glass

- There will be no battle to find a cab and get home
- Your bed is just around the corner.  It’s calling you.  The real challenge is tearing yourself away from watching some of the Oldest Looking Sixteen Year Olds of All Time (of ALL TIME).

Mouse can barely contain her excitement at my presentation

It doesn’t really need to be said, but I rest my case.

Painefull Out

* = survey was conducted by Painefull Statistics, and quality control assured that 100% of respondents were fictional

No comments:

Post a Comment