Welcome to
2014. I’m 5 days late, but welcome
anyway. Let’s say welcome to the Real
2014. The one that truly begins after
the festive season ends, when work, and credit card payments, and sun stroke
bring you back to reality. Now that you’ve
finally given in to your liver’s pleas for mercy, now that your oldest sister
has finished dancing on the table, now that you’re torn between taking down the
Christmas decorations and just re-branding them as The January Tree and The
Year-Round Fairy Lights, I bid you a Happy
New Year.
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| Scruffy is such a festive season hack - any excuse for a costume. This is him wondering if his owner, my sister, hates him. |
Was your New
Year’s Eve disappointing? A
let-down? 63% of respondents say yes*. Or they can’t remember, but the photos
indicate they pashed someone who turned out to be a 3 instead of a 7.
My New Year’s
celebrations were delightful, and I have decided the charitable thing to do is
to share the secret to that success, the key to never being disappointed
again. Let me say, in advance, you’re welcome.
So, the math
is simple.
Bottle of
champagne + selected episode of Dawson’s Creek + the sound of fireworks occurring
somewhere in the distance (apparently it’s a thing around Sydney Harbour? I don’t know, I smell a fad) + leisure wear =
A Very Special New Year’s Eve Tradition.
As is often
the case with world-shattering discoveries (like the slinky, and Harrison Ford)
I stumbled upon this equation by complete accident a few years ago. It hasn’t let me down since. How can you be disappointed when you know
what’s going to happen (shock twist, Joey gets on the boat with Pacey)? How can you feel let down when discovering
ridiculously cheesy dialogue from your favourite high school show of yore (Jack’s
Dad: Someone had to make the first move, Jack: I just didn’t think it would be
you… Jack leans over and moves symbolic chess
piece)? How can you not WEEP every
time Gran nurses Jen Lindley on her death bed (sorry, belated ‘spoiler alert’,
but there’s a reason Michelle Williams is the Oscar nominee of the bunch)?
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| James Van Der Beek's stunning re-enactment of me weeping |
Still not
convinced that unlike NYE, Dawson & Co won't let you down? I’ll let the evidence speak
for itself…
Pro
- At no point
will you curse the day your feet were born, and the crazy, over-sexed, hurtful
and under-supportive shoes they get mixed up with
Instead
- You can
watch Dawson’s ill-fated dalliance with the crazy, over-sexed, hurtful and
under-supportive Eve, a character so shoe-horned into the story you can never
quite remember why she’s there, other than to provide another non-obstacle to
true love
Pro
- When you
stumble to the bathroom you won’t accidentally interrupt a coke-binge featuring
a notoriously unhygienic surface
Instead
- You get to
watch the great ‘Say No To Drugs Kids’ episode where the strait-laced Andie pops
her first and only pill, then promptly almost dies because there is absolutely
no in between boys and girls
Pros
- You can
avoid those deeply awkward interludes with random friendship outliers who you
only see once a year, and whose name always escapes you
Instead
- You can
watch everyone in Season 4 pretend that Pacey has always had an older sister called Gretchen who they’ve just failed
to mention or see for 3 years
Pros
- There is no
danger of being trapped in a corner in one of those epic drunken conversations that
starts to feel like Waiting for Godot- meets the countless re-stating of the ultimate
prize in a televised singing conversation (which is to say circular, unending
and pointlessly repetitive)
Instead
- Every time
Dawson and Joey have an earnest 3 minute conversation about being soul-mates,
or Joey reassures Pacey that Dawson is her ‘past’ and Pacey is her ‘future’
(seriously, I counted 7 of those) you can just fast forward while topping up
your glass
Pro
- There will
be no battle to find a cab and get home
Instead
- Your bed is
just around the corner. It’s calling
you. The real challenge is tearing
yourself away from watching some of the Oldest Looking Sixteen Year Olds of All
Time (of ALL TIME).
 |
| Mouse can barely contain her excitement at my presentation |
It doesn’t
really need to be said, but I rest my case.
Painefull
Out
* = survey
was conducted by Painefull Statistics, and quality control assured that 100% of
respondents were fictional
