Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Painefull Buddhist

So Mother Painefull has declared herself a Buddhist. She does this roughly once a month whenever someone mentions killing bugs, or she needs to talk herself down from committing acts of violence against Z-grade idiots who get in her way. Or if she wants get a bible basher all riled up. Or if she needs an excuse to wear tie-dyed clothing. Or is looking for a natural segue into how she saw the Dalai Lama speak once.

Needless to say, after relaying my Life and Death struggle with the BIGGEST spider I have ever come across (he went by the name Nemesis), she was appalled that the battle ended fatally for the combatant that wasn’t her daughter. I tried to explain, it was a Death Match. Obviously.

But mum pulled her classic “I’m a Buddhist” card and got stuck in about living creatures etc. Nothing seemed to make up for the death of Nemesis (Death. Match.).

Instead I was forced to comfort Mother Painefull with the confirmation that I did indeed give Nemesis a proper burial (Pagan rites) in a shoe box.

The problem is… I lied to Mother Painefull, Nemesis did not receive a 21 gun salute and his final resting place was not quite as glamorous as I implied.

And now I’m positively racked with guilt, not so much for the lie, but for the demise of the GIANT spider. It seems when it comes to a Death Match there really is no such thing as winning.

Thanks for nothing Buddha.

Painefull Out

P.S. Dear Nemesis, missing you already. So sorry about the hiking boot incident.


  1. Survival of the fittest.
    You did what you had to.

  2. I was a Buddhist once. For 9 days. Enough time for me to read a book about it and buy an Enigma CD (look it up).

  3. Ugh, I HATE killing spiders!

    PS, not sure if you know where that pic came from or if you just google image searched for a spider. It's from this hilarious hyperboleandahalf post:

    She's very right.

  4. I'd like to be a Buddhist when I grow up... but I would need to smarten up my insect-swatting ways. Not spiders... schmiders... not worried about them, live and let live, says I. But biting ants and earwigs... another story.

    Confess Painefull! It is the only path to righteousness!

  5. As much as I despise the killing of spiders in theory...I do not have the courage to pick the gawd awful big hairy ones up to take them outside. And since they do not obey my command to leave that instant, there are very little options left except Death Match.

    And if i have to abide by the 'leave them in peace' rule, what of the white tail spider that took a bite out of my ear while I was sleeping, huh? That was not very nice and very un-Buddah like. But I guess that would be Karma! Doh!

  6. I have seen that post Gia - it was hilarious! I now keep that blog on my Read List.

    The problem with spiders is that they're as obedient as a dog trained by my family (which is to say not at all), thus they refuse to leave the house on command.

  7. Spiders are natures way of reminding us what could happen if a giant octopus and a hairy cat found eachother on a fetish website. Only the offspring would be far larger and there wouldn't be enough bug spray in the world. They would become our overlords and I would have to relocate to the moon because fear would have me paralysed if I stayed on earth.
    I may have thought about this a lot. Or not at all.
    Spiders are awful and aren't holding up their end of the bargain. Flies are still around so they're obviously not eating them fast enough. Pretty sure that was the bargain struck when they were saved from whatever freak accident wiped out the dino's.