Sunday, November 20, 2011

Splitting the Jean

I, like all people, have particular talents. I’m skilled in the art of putting things off, I’ve become a black belt at sleeping in, and consider the craft of stomaching the same pasta dish for 4 days straight well mastered. And now I can add a new and very particular ability to my beige resume of defects, it’s one I’ve had all along and have only just recognized.

I will rip a hole in my pants at the single, most inopportune time available.

These are not stylish, mid-90’s ‘fashionable’ rips, and I swear, I can and will do it anywhere. To take you through some of my greatest hits:

School Camp 1997
I was the girl who, perhaps through becoming a touch over-committed to a game of handball, tore my shorts asunder mid-match before the eyes of numerous peers. Joyous occasion – it’s a moment every 12 year old craves.

London Train 2007
Having set out for the day to explore the city via an initial lengthy train trip I finally managed to snag a seat in the packed public transport… which it turns out was unfortunate. Who can create a seam line perforation along the length of the inner thigh of a pair of jeans? I can.

2011 alone has been a banner year...

Walking to Class
Nothing makes you concentrate harder on how you’re seated in class quite like tearing your jeans while attacking a staircase on your way to the tutorial room.

At Work
Just a few weeks ago, a mere hour and a half into my working day, I was rushing about the office and upon returning to my chair the sound of denim ripping (definitely louder than the sound of one hand clapping) filled the air. I can tell you with authority, it is a challenge to figure out how much of you is now visible through the new vent in your pants while remaining seated at a desk.

For the Sake of Unplanned Illustration
While then telling this tale to a pair of disbelieving friends, I then hopped into a car with them and promptly tore the shorts I was wearing.

I’m like the black widow of garments. If I was a male stripper ripping my pants off would be considered something of a selling point. As it is I guess I’ll have to settle with doing my bit for the denim economy.

Painefull Out


  1. That's a 'hole' lot of bad luck.
    A 'ripper' if you like.
    Oh god.
    Feel any less pathetic now?

  2. Thank your for sharing your wit, smile-provoking writing style, and for sharing your ripper yarn!

  3. Care for a bit of a soundtrack to your woeful tale?....

  4. I know your pain... Just this weekend I was asked to referee a womens' league soccer game. I haven't reffed in awhile, and so I hadn't worn my uniform recently. I got to the field and discovered to some alarm that my shorts were a bit tight in the seat, but I figured as long as I was careful, I'd be OK. All was going well until early in the second half when a girl ripped a hard shot that came straight at my head. I instinctively ducked, forgeting the care I needed to put into my movements. RIP! The first titter of feminine laughter immediately followed, and the wave grew as as the word spread around the field that the ref had split his shorts from waist to crotch. The two young ladies who were serving as my assistant refs were no better than the players, clapping and wolf whistling with scarcely concealed delight. I figured if I quickly resumed play, they would get on with the game and forget about me, but that proved to be wishful thinking. I spent the longest 30 minutes of my life enduring the smart-aleck comments, snickers, and giggles of three dozen plump middle-aged women until I could finally blow the whistle to end the game. The two team captains came over, and asked to take a photo with me. As long as I was posed FACING the camera, I figured I was OK, so I agreed to the picture. Instead of just standing on either side of me, one captain startled me by smacking a wet kiss on my cheek, while the other captain pinched my butt through the big rip. You can imagine my expression in the photo, which was promptly posted on the womens' league website. Needless to say, I have retired from refereeing in the women's league...