Scam callers
are where I find joy in life.
Wait, that
sounds deeply tragic. Let me be clear that they aren’t the source of all
happiness, but they do bring just a little jolt of occasional rapture,
a surprise hit of delight.
If a scammer
calls me, I make a point of wasting as much of their time as humanly possible,
until ultimately they give in and hang up on me. I have turned breaking the
spirit of scam callers into an art form – my personal Sistine Chapel moment
came when one scammer (who shall remain nameless… because I don’t think he was
really called ‘Mike’) started hurling abuse at me for wasting his time.
Joy.
It feels
like social justice to irritate, confuse, and generally fuck with those who
trick people out of their hard-earned money. I don’t really protest, or sit-in,
or campaign, so I guess this is my version of making a difference.
The most
common scam is the one where a guy rings from a major phone company and warns
the internet in the house has been hacked. If you just follow his instructions and do some stuff on your computer, he will fix it in a jiffy,
but if you don’t your internet will be cut off.
In response
to this the tactics I use are endless, but some I have previously enjoyed
include:
- Pretending to be a tween who needs everything
said slowly.
- Pretending to be an aging woman who needs
everything said loudly. And also slowly.
- Attempting to engage in a series of existential
questions about the nature of the internet.
- Putting them on hold every 30 seconds to deal
with a fictional, unruly toddler.
- Claiming my laptop is so old it takes 10 minutes
to turn on and asking them to wait.
- Desperately worrying that the phone will cut out
because of a phone line issue I’ve been having and asking for a number I can
call them on if that happens (actually worked once).
- Getting them to take me through every phase of
what they want me to do repeatedly while, and constantly.
Ultimately,
if I wind up into enough of a rambling monologue it usually ends things, but
today… today I finally met my match. The scam caller broke me. Let's call this guy Larry.
After several minutes of claiming my computer screen kept going black every time I followed
his instructions (I was actually cleaning up post lunch, then boiling the
kettle), I could feel Larry's frustration brewing.
I thought I
had Larry on the ropes, that a hang up was moments away. I couldn’t have been
more wrong. Below is the faithfully recorded transcript (typed immediately
after) of what happened next.
TRANSCRIPT
LARRY: Are you
stupid or something?
ME: I am not the stupid one, dude.
L: Do you think
you’re stupid or I’m stupid?
M: I think you’re stupid.
L: You think I’m
stupid?
M: Yes. Because you are sustaining this well
past what I would imagine you should. Statistically, if you have any chance of
scamming someone you have to move on to the next number, right?
L: I am the
stupid one?
M: And a scammer. I have had a great time making
a cup of tea while we talked, but it’s brewed now--
L: Why do you
think I’m a scammer?
M: Let me amend that, I am also stupid. We are
both stupid, as is the fact this conversation is still going. I have a tea that
needs drinking.
L: Just to be
clear, you think I’m stupid.
M: How do you imagine I believe the internet
works? Magically? Through a laptop? Why would I fix the internet in a home
through a laptop? A laptop hooks into the internet, it isn’t the internet. I’m
fairly certain. In addition, these companies don’t call and ask you to type stuff
in, and you opened this entire call wrong anyway, I think you need to work on
the opening spiel because it’s not really how it happens, and I’d think you’d
have this down by now. At the start of the call—
(Larry lets out an extended sigh – I think I’m finally about to
break him)
M: Oh, I’m sorry, am I wasting your time? How
awful for you.
L: Hey, my god.
M: Almost makes you want to hang up, huh?
L: Notice, I
say, “Hey” not “Oh”.
M: I did notice. What’s the difference?
L: “Oh” is like
an exclamation. Like you’re shocked.
M: And what does “hey” mean in the place of “oh”
in that context?
L: It’s more
just like regular. Like hey (pauses for emphasis) my god.
M: Sort of like ‘Hey, my god, why did I have to
call this number and get this nutty lady on the phone?’
L: Sort of,
yeah. But this isn’t a scam.
M: Tell you what, if you’re from Telstra, as
you claim, give me the Telstra number to call you back on.
L: I will give
it to you.
M: Great. Shoot.
L: May I ask,
am I speaking to XX XXX?
M: I’m not really interested in giving you a
name. Just like you are clearly incapable of giving me an actual Telstra number
that will go through to you. Give me a number and I will believe this is not a
scam.
L: I will give
you a number.
M: Excellent. Hit me – what’s the number?
L: Where do you
live?
M: Don’t you already know that? Isn’t that
information in front of you right now? Where do you live?
L: I am based
where you live. The same city and country.
M: And where is that?
L: Melbourne,
Australia.
M: Ha! Good for you, that’s not where I am.
L: Yes, it is.
M: No, and I feel quite confident on that fact.
L: You live at
XX XXXXX Street, in the city of XXXX (all you need to know is he was out by a
state and a suburb… and a street pronunciation).
M: You are incorrect. That’s not where I am.
L: Yes it is. I
am outside your door right now. Stick your head out your window, you will see
me.
M: I don’t understand, in this version am I
currently in a block of flats? Will I look down and see you, or out and see
you?
L: If you look
outside and see a man on your street, that is me.
M: Nope. I won’t. I won’t see anyone.
L: And there is
my van on the street as well. It’s the… blue-black one.
M: Dude, this conversation is a little creepy
now. Why do you need a van? What is the van for? Also, I am not even there.
L: Go on, wave.
M: I’m waving, can you see me?
L: Yes. Oh my
god, you are very beautiful.
M: Ha – liar!
L: I am not
lying.
M: Dude, on so many levels.
L: How old are
you?
M: Why would I tell you that?
L: Are you over
70, or under 30? If you are underage I am very sorry.
M: So am I. And I have no reason to tell you my
age. Isn’t that on your file?
L: I ask
because you have a very smooth voice.
M: Thank you. I have been told I have a voice
for radio actually. And a face for it too.
(He chuckles
– holy crap – he is not hanging up – is he enjoying this???)
M: Dude, why are you sticking with this
conversation. Try another number, seriously, play the odds.
L: You still
think this is a scam?
M: Yes. You didn’t even claim this call was
being recorded for quality purposes. Is this call being recorded for quality
purposes?
L: Yes, and
training purposes.
M: Great. Well you can train people how to deal
with irritating ladies then. You must be glad you have this all on tape.
L: Can I ask
you a question?
M: (Defeated) Sure. Why not?
L: Are you
married?
M: Why would I answer that? That’s a really
weirdly personal question. Are you married?
L: I don’t find
that too personal. I’m not.
M: I don’t understand why we’re still talking.
You should call someone else, I have a cup of tea waiting.
L: Will you
meet up with me tonight in Melbourne?
M: No. Hard no.
L: Let me give
you a treat, please. Meet up with me in the city tonight and I’ll buy you a cup
of tea.
M: I want to tell you straight out the gate
that offering to buy a girl a treat makes it sound like you’re talking to a
puppy. Don’t do that, for the purposes of your seduction game – offering a girl
a treat is creepy.
L: Oh, okay.
M: Now this has been entertaining, then weird,
but you’ve broken me. I have to go.
The call
lasted 11 minutes and 16 seconds.
Painefull
Out
