It’s been a
big week in politics, and under such circumstances it’s important to focus on
the truly vital components of our ever lively national debate. And what could be more vital than our Prime
Minister’s bold decision to announce the longest election campaign in the
history of Australia while wearing glasses?
Of course, I don’t have to tell you that the key word there is
‘glasses’.
If The Great
Michelle Obama Haircut Inauguration of 2013 has taught us anything (aside from
“Ask not what your fringe can do for you – ask what you can do for your
fringe”) it’s accessorizing is the contribution women were born to make. It’s like how Twitter is the medium Shane
Warne was born to speak through, and maniacal laughter was the sound
Christopher Pyne was born to let out (it’s sad to watch him fight it, day after
day).
But of
course a pair of glasses can’t just be a pair of glasses, there has to be a
vaster plot behind such a truly audacious manoeuvre. I know this because Julia Gillard is clearly
smart (she wears glasses now you see) and crafty (because she’s a woman, and by
‘crafty’ I mean ‘manipulative’, and by ‘manipulative’ I mean… ‘female’).
After much
research, and whole minutes of painstaking thought, I’ve managed to narrow down
the conspiracy theories surrounding Spectacle-Gate to the most likely
candidates.
Rose
Tinted Glasses
You can’t
tell from this side, but looking out through those glasses everything’s coming
up roses for Julia. It’s all puppies
frolicking through meadows and flowers made of fairy floss where she’s
sitting. Look how she smiles now when
Kevin Rudd walks past – that’s because she
can’t see him (and there ain’t nothing he can do about that for the next 8
months). She’s the only one who won’t be
suffering the next time Tony Abbott emerges from the surf in nothing but a
modesty cloth – to her he’ll appear full clothed.
The theory
goes that she attained this technology on a vision quest back in 1993 and she’s
been moving forward ever since. The only
other pair of these glasses in the world was given to Anthony Mundine, and no
one knows why.
Ron
Burgundy’s Glass Case of Emotion
This one’s
really a Reverse Rose Tint – there’s some speculation the glasses are in fact
aimed at hiding the wearers actual response to what’s going on around
them. Apparently they were rushed into
production mere days ago. According to
packaging found at a top secret dump site (also the location of several well
documented Yeti sightings) they’re specially suited for hiding the First
Bloke-inducing winces that come when middle aged white men stumble into jokes
that feature prostate exams and small Asian women.
Reportedly impenetrable,
a small tag tucked behind the Prime Minister’s ear states ‘Only to be broken in
cases of emergency or misogyny’. According
to anonymous, but highly creditable sources on conspiracy site
TheDogAteMyHomework.com, the Ron Burgundy specials were designed to withstand
extreme rage and despair, having been purpose bought for when Oprah inevitably
scores the Craig Thomson interview (“Welcome Craaaiiigg Thomsoooooooon! You’re getting a Health Services Union credit
card, you’re getting a Health Services Union credit card, everyone’s getting a
Health Services Union credit card!”).
There’s a
failsafe button being held in a bunker at the Lodge – if there are any glitches
it will simply render her mute. It’ll be
like watching Andrew Murray lose the Australian open and wondering why he keeps
mouthing the word ‘Duck!’
Alien Invasion
This is the
most obvious and concerning theory.
Julia Gillard has been taken over by alien life forms. Who owns one of the most famous pairs of
glasses in the world? Clark Kent. What was he trying to hide? He was from another planet. Boom!
I rest my case.
Need
more? One off-shoot of the theory
suggest the glasses themselves are
the sentient being controlling our PM – why else would they have their own
Twitter account?
Clearly this
means an invasion is imminent. You know
what they say about Extra-terrestrial life forms? Total queue jumpers.
Painefull Out
